I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
