i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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