Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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