last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
