Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
