i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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