So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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