I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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