When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
