I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
