i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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