I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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