Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
