but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
