So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
