after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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