He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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