we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
