My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
