im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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