i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
