So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize