We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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