just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
