Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
