Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
