My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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