If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
