so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
