Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
