If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
