Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
