i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
