I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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