is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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