he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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