Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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