Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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