you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
