I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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