were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
