she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
