How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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