just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
