If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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