i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
