I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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