On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
