What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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