you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
