im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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