The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
