Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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