Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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