I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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