I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
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oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.