is your mom at the bar?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?