We're facebook friends in real life
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
