I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
