I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
